1 Week Postpartum

I delivered my beautiful surro-baby 1 week ago today. Most of the time I feel great. Don’t get me wrong, my stomach hurts, and my breasts ache, and feel bruised from all the pumping. But I delivered a beautiful baby girl into her parents waiting arms, and that is a miracle. I am so blessed to be a part of it. And so lucky that her mama sends me photos, often. It truly was one of the best experiences of my life. The pregnancy was easy, and I developed an amazing, wonderful friendship with the parents. I don’t regret it for a minute. And I don’t miss the baby – Scarlett – either. I do love to see the pictures of her, happy and healthy with her family. I kind of feel like she’s a special niece. I have been pumping like crazy for Scarlett. Every 2 hours during the day, and every 3 hours at night, for half an hour at a time. With washing pump parts and bottles, this means each pump session lasts about 45 minutes. Honestly, without the pumping (and sore incision) I would hardly believe I just had a baby a week ago. Life pretty much feels back to normal – except that I’m off work for a few weeks. It’s hard to get up at night to pump! I haven’t slept more than 2 hours in a row since Scarlett was born. But since I don’t have her here with me, I can (and do) nap whenever I feel like it. I’m keeping Caitlyn in daycare until my incision is more healed, and then will take her three days a week for the remainder of my maternity leave, to keep her in her routine, and keep our spot at the daycare. And the boys are in school, so Monday to Friday it’s just me. I sent off my first shipment of breastmilk to Scarlett today. Just over 100 oz of milky goodness! It makes me happy to think she’ll be getting my milk. 

So now, to the times I’m not happy. I really, really hate that I had a c-section. I never wanted a section. I was so set and focused on having a natural birth, that I never thought it would go the other way. I really feel cheated out of the birth I wanted. I knew that her heart rate was fast, but I didn’t understand that it was fast enough to be worried. I was completely unprepared when the OB said I needed a c-section. And then I had no time to process it. My doctor jumped right into an explanation of what they would do to me in the OR, and I just stood there and listened. I couldn’t even answer, because I would have started crying. And I didn’t want to cry, because Scarlett’s mommy and daddy were right there with me, and I didn’t want them to know how upset I was. If it had been my own baby I would have done things so differently. They gave me the option, instead of a c-section, to have scalp gases drawn from the baby’s head, which would give us a better idea of if she was really in trouble. They would have had to be repeated every half hour. If it was my baby, I would have done that. But I thought it would be too hard on her parents. Specifically because of things they have experienced in the past. When we got to the OR, the baby’s heart rate went back down to normal. They gave me the option to go back and labor some more. If it was my baby, I would have done that. But I knew that if I left the OR with the baby still inside me, her mommy and daddy would be nervous wrecks. So I told them to just do the section. But I never wanted a c-section, and it is so hard for me to accept. I think it made things all a bit more surreal too. I felt like I didn’t get a chance to labor. Before this birth I had always delivered babies post-term. All my kids were late. To have my water break at 36 weeks was so unexpected. And then I only made it to 2cm before they decided to cut her out of me. I never even got to the point of real, uncomfortable labor. And then I was numb, and she was out. It was too fast, too early, and too easy (but not the recovery, ha!)

And I worry. I really wanted to do another surrogacy journey. Words cannot express just how wonderful this whole experience has been (except the c-section). And I really want to do it again. But now that I delivered a baby at 36 weeks and 1 day, will I get approved to carry again? I know some clinics will approve as early as a 35 week delivery, but others require no earlier than 37. I don’t know about the clinics near me. And I don’t want to take a chance with someone else’s baby. What if I deliver even earlier next time? I would feel awful if a baby had to be in the NICU because I didn’t carry it long enough. If I do get approved again, will I be able to VBAC? I don’t want another c-section. I so wish that I hadn’t had this one. 

The Baker

Surprise! Baby is here!

Well a certain little girl was very anxious to make her arrival into this world and meet her mommy and daddy. On Friday January 22 at 36 weeks and 1 day pregnant, I woke up at 5:41 am to my water breaking spectacularly all over my bed. I have never delivered before 40 weeks, so this was quite a shock to me. I called IM while still lying in a puddle, and then got up to shower and get ready to come to the hospital. I didn’t even have my bag packed yet, so I was really unprepared. I arrived at the hospital shortly after 7 and checked in. I had had the group B swab taken on Wednesday, but the results were not back yet, so we had to assume that I was positive, and treat proactively. This meant that I had to receive IV antibiotics throughout labor, and that I was on a clock. Contractions had initially started on their own after my water broke, but they were mild and didn’t last long before going away altogether. So the decision was made to start pitocin. That was around 10am. My doctor came in to check me later, around 2pm. I was sitting at 2cm dilated, and contracting nicely, but the doctor noted that Baby’s heart rate was quite high. She ended up calling in the OB for a second opinion, and then things changed very quickly. The OB came in at 2:30, and after looking at the strip monitoring the baby I was given half an hour to see if things changed, and if not we were heading to c-section. She left the room, and my doctor started explaining to me what would happen in the OR. It was obvious at that point that no one expected a natural delivery to happen. At 3pm the OB came back and the decision was made. Baby had been tachycardic for 5 hours by then. If I was close to delivery they would have let us ride it out, but I was still at 2 cm, and looking at several hours to go. So I was prepped and moved into the OR. IM was allowed into the OR with me, but she was the only one allowed. IF, my doula, and the birth photographer waited outside. It was a very surreal experience. I felt like I hadn’t even had a chance to labor, and I think I was in a bit of shock that we had ended up in the OR so quickly – especially given that I’ve had three perfectly normal, healthy vaginal deliveries. I was so confident in my own body’s ability to deliver a baby that it never even occurred to me that I might end up in a c-section due to a baby in distress. The OR team let IM watch over the drape as they delivered the baby, and then she got to cut the cord. Baby girl was beautiful and healthy, and had perfect lungs, even 4 weeks early. She was 6lbs 13oz. I hear that I had a slight bleed in the OR, so it took a bit longer to put me back together, but I am okay, and baby is perfect. I lucked out to get a private room, which is great because it meant that IM was able to stay with me and Baby. IF and big sister stayed in a hotel near by. 

This whole journey has been an amazing experience from beginning to end. The last two days have been wonderful, watching mommy and daddy and big sister bonding with baby. There were lots of tears when it was time to say goodbye. Happy tears though ☺️ I could not have asked for a better experience. My heart is so full.  I won’t share pictures right now, as I need permission first, but I hope that I will be allowed to share the birth photos soon.

Keep watching for more 🙂

The Baker