I delivered my beautiful surro-baby 1 week ago today. Most of the time I feel great. Don’t get me wrong, my stomach hurts, and my breasts ache, and feel bruised from all the pumping. But I delivered a beautiful baby girl into her parents waiting arms, and that is a miracle. I am so blessed to be a part of it. And so lucky that her mama sends me photos, often. It truly was one of the best experiences of my life. The pregnancy was easy, and I developed an amazing, wonderful friendship with the parents. I don’t regret it for a minute. And I don’t miss the baby – Scarlett – either. I do love to see the pictures of her, happy and healthy with her family. I kind of feel like she’s a special niece. I have been pumping like crazy for Scarlett. Every 2 hours during the day, and every 3 hours at night, for half an hour at a time. With washing pump parts and bottles, this means each pump session lasts about 45 minutes. Honestly, without the pumping (and sore incision) I would hardly believe I just had a baby a week ago. Life pretty much feels back to normal – except that I’m off work for a few weeks. It’s hard to get up at night to pump! I haven’t slept more than 2 hours in a row since Scarlett was born. But since I don’t have her here with me, I can (and do) nap whenever I feel like it. I’m keeping Caitlyn in daycare until my incision is more healed, and then will take her three days a week for the remainder of my maternity leave, to keep her in her routine, and keep our spot at the daycare. And the boys are in school, so Monday to Friday it’s just me. I sent off my first shipment of breastmilk to Scarlett today. Just over 100 oz of milky goodness! It makes me happy to think she’ll be getting my milk.
So now, to the times I’m not happy. I really, really hate that I had a c-section. I never wanted a section. I was so set and focused on having a natural birth, that I never thought it would go the other way. I really feel cheated out of the birth I wanted. I knew that her heart rate was fast, but I didn’t understand that it was fast enough to be worried. I was completely unprepared when the OB said I needed a c-section. And then I had no time to process it. My doctor jumped right into an explanation of what they would do to me in the OR, and I just stood there and listened. I couldn’t even answer, because I would have started crying. And I didn’t want to cry, because Scarlett’s mommy and daddy were right there with me, and I didn’t want them to know how upset I was. If it had been my own baby I would have done things so differently. They gave me the option, instead of a c-section, to have scalp gases drawn from the baby’s head, which would give us a better idea of if she was really in trouble. They would have had to be repeated every half hour. If it was my baby, I would have done that. But I thought it would be too hard on her parents. Specifically because of things they have experienced in the past. When we got to the OR, the baby’s heart rate went back down to normal. They gave me the option to go back and labor some more. If it was my baby, I would have done that. But I knew that if I left the OR with the baby still inside me, her mommy and daddy would be nervous wrecks. So I told them to just do the section. But I never wanted a c-section, and it is so hard for me to accept. I think it made things all a bit more surreal too. I felt like I didn’t get a chance to labor. Before this birth I had always delivered babies post-term. All my kids were late. To have my water break at 36 weeks was so unexpected. And then I only made it to 2cm before they decided to cut her out of me. I never even got to the point of real, uncomfortable labor. And then I was numb, and she was out. It was too fast, too early, and too easy (but not the recovery, ha!)
And I worry. I really wanted to do another surrogacy journey. Words cannot express just how wonderful this whole experience has been (except the c-section). And I really want to do it again. But now that I delivered a baby at 36 weeks and 1 day, will I get approved to carry again? I know some clinics will approve as early as a 35 week delivery, but others require no earlier than 37. I don’t know about the clinics near me. And I don’t want to take a chance with someone else’s baby. What if I deliver even earlier next time? I would feel awful if a baby had to be in the NICU because I didn’t carry it long enough. If I do get approved again, will I be able to VBAC? I don’t want another c-section. I so wish that I hadn’t had this one.
The Baker
justthebaker 